Swooning has been prevalent in my life for about a year, moments of brief and disrupting altered states of consciousness. Destabilized and disoriented. In some ways concerned on a physiological level, I also know there is a spiritual transition underway. Curious and seeking insight, I meditated, tuned into guidance, and began to write:
Present-moment awareness is expanding, with glimpses of greater dimensionality. All of this is the disorder that precedes a new order. Chaos. Floating free. No definition. No ‘I’ that is fixed; there is a disruption in what has been the seat of the ‘I.’ Where is ‘I?’ Where does ‘I’ live? Who or what is ‘I?’ Is there even an answer to any of those questions? When the ‘I’ is dislodged from its mooring, it becomes more of a vague sense that floats free without the certainty of itself. This uncertainty provides a space to dis-I-dentify, and a portal to greater awareness begins to open – an awareness independent of ‘I’ – closer to THE awareness, THE present moment. THE everything. Tapping into present-moment awareness, which has been revealing itself in blips, has prepared the way for the possibility of perpetual and abiding presence. This presence is almost impossible to master if the ‘I’ is confident and comfortably moored in its familiarity. This unfamiliarity and confusion in locating the ‘I’ is a necessary detachment of the known and a full-on entry into the unknown, the mystery of presence. Do not expect to go back – be willing to be discombobulated. Do not seek stability. Know that this evolving state of consciousness contains greater awareness, sensitivity, and wisdom – and requires a pervasive and holy undoing.
What is required to shift from the comfort of the familiar to the uncharted territory of presence? What has been helpful to me is a conscious commitment to work with rather than against the undoing. Full-on cooperation with the swooning, surrendering to being unsettled, allowing the wobble of reality, choosing not to shut down, welcoming the unmooring of the familiar – and compassion for that in me that does not want any of this!
Still between the familiar and the unknown, I begin to glimpse the beauty of presence – infinite and pervasive, everywhere and everywhen. The mystery begins to unfold and reveal itself. Grace abounds.
from my heart, Carol